Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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