Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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