I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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