11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
