got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
