he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
