During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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