your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
