Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
