I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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