So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize