Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Mom said you looked used
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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