Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
