I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize