All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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