Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
