Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
