I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
