Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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