i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
