If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Randomize
