I think im going to throw up on grandma
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
