my being single is dangerous.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
