Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
