I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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