i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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