so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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