I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
