did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
