I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
