as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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