shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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