I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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