Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
