Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
