I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
