Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
