I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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