is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
