she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
