you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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