I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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