We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
