Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
