the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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