Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
