I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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