Can Purell be used as lube?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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