I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
