The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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