More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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