My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
