made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
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