i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize