woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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