ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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