you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
