Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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